Transcript of Video:

Dr. Ryan Darby: And we are live. It's Dr. Ryan here with Brandon. Again, we are talking to everybody in the credible kids movement and we're here today to talk a little bit about resilience. Brandon, how you doing

Brandon Miller: I'm great Ryan, how are you

Dr. Ryan Darby: I'm doing good. Thanks for once again. We're together again. Thanks for doing this. So we got a message about resilience.

Brandon Miller: How much do you live from our home

Dr. Ryan Darby: From a home for a long time.

Brandon Miller: Oh, we are still doing in place with those of you who have had your restrictions. Lift. Bless you all yourselves. For the rest of us, be safe out there.

Dr. Ryan Darby: Gosh, you know, whenever I see your backdrop, I love the love the bridge, but behind you is the, the is not easily broken. I love that. Love that message because today we're talking about something really important. We're talking about resilience and that resilience for our kids right now as you're talking about shelter in place, this is such an issue for us. Everybody's lives have been disrupted and we are thinking about our work being disrupted, our relationships being distraught, the, you know, our health being disrupted. And then sometimes we ignore the fact that for our kids this is an unbelievable unprecedented change for them that they, many of them are really struggling with

Brandon Miller: very much, very much. I mean, when you think about taking away normal routines for kids really impacts their sense of self sense of security, their sense of being. And so as parents, as we're helping our children move through a season like this, we have an opportunity, I mean it's, it's, I've heard it said the silver lining of the Kobe 18 emergency response shelter in place is that there are things that we can teach and instill in our children that they will have for, for their lives. Talking about this topic of resilience, bounce back, the ability to, to press through difficult circumstances and come out stronger and, and, and more resolved is a, is an amazing gift that we can give to our kids.

Dr. Ryan Darby: and you've said before, and I love it. It's the greatest gift that we can give our kids. There is something about, that bounce back, that grit, that being able to be knocked down and stand back up that prepares you for the entire life. You know, we as parents, it's not our job to just raise them for 18 years. Right We are not, we are not raising them so that we can kick them out of the house and be like, okay, go, we've done enough. Right. We're raising them as children to become successful adults, right So they can have wonderful adult and they can then pass this on, you know, generational learning. And one of the most important things to understand is that you, you and your kids will have struggles. You will have trials. Life will kick in the butt. And we look at the world right now, the world is getting, it's about character, right And resilience is the gift that is helping people to get through these really, really turbulent. Yeah. Yeah.

Brandon Miller: I mean it's, it's a great question to ask ourselves as parents and then think about it with our kids. you know, we can come through a season like this and feel like we've come down, right We've, we've lost momentum, we've lost steam and it's really taken us out. And I, I am not here and either you Ryan, right to belittle anyone's very difficult circumstances. I mean, we're going to hear of tragedies, of, of just challenges that are very serious. A very close friend of mine, had a, a very dear member of his family, his inner circle pass away from, from coven 19. And so that reality, we're going to hear about those things. We're going to teach our children about just the, the things that are taking place unprecedented. but in the midst of it, our challenged ourselves are challenged to you, to our children is let's come through stronger. Let's find a way that, that we win. And that I think is a really important mindset that people who are resilient adopt, you're not going to get me down. You're not going to beat me. I'm going to come through. I may, I may come through with some bruises and bumps and scars, but I'm getting through this powerful gift. I like that you put that point there. It's the greatest gift we give our kids is this gift of resilience.

Dr. Ryan Darby: You, you, you, you remind me of something that we're dealing with in our family right now and it's this conversation my wife and I are having about resilience. Our daughter plays competitive soccer now. We don't play, soccer on Sundays or religious faith. We just choose not to do sports and things on Sundays and Mo, a lot of the games are on Sundays. And so even though competitively she could play at an upper tier for coaches of have put her on a lower tier down because you know, she can't play then half the game. So might as well take somebody that they can nurturing it better. And one of the conversations we've had in our home as well, if she's never going to be, you know, she's never going to make this hire team if she keeps getting cut, well that hurt her, you know, we really want her to have that traumatic experience where she keeps getting cut because of this thing or should we just find a different sport where you know, this won't be an issue.

Dr. Ryan Darby: And then the conversation for us always comes back to, you know what, let's learn to be resilient now when the stakes are really small, it's 11 year old soccer. So that when there's mistakes, when the stakes are really, really high, she knows exactly how to deal with disappointment and get back up and try over again. And our biggest success story was last year she got cut, you know, like weeks. It was kind of unexpected when to happen. But she got putt and we talked about it with her and the next day she was out in the backyard practicing at five in the morning. I hear these little footsteps come down the stairs and like somebody is awake, what's going on And they hear the back door open and there's my daughter out in her pajamas practicing soccer because I got cut this time, but they're not going to be able to cut me again. And she spent the next year really, really practicing trouts are coming up soon. So we're hoping that this is the time that, you know, she finally overcomes the barriers that are in her way, but I can't be more proud than when she has that resilience now. You know That's awesome. Yeah.

Dr. Ryan Darby: so this brings to that point. We could have done one of two things with my daughter. we could have treated her like she was weak and fragile and we can do this now. And that's the debate we have. Like, hi. You know, I don't want her to have this disappointment. She's may be hurt and I can treat her like she's weak and fragile and hold her back from this. Or I can give her an opportunity to thrive in this. And one of the ways that we build resilience in our kids is helping them be exposed to these things, but also giving them many, many resources that allow them to get through these.

Brandon Miller: That's right. Yeah. I mean when you think about the resilience and the courage it takes to stand through difficulty and face your fears and face the failures that like will inevitably give you, you know, there's this place as a parent, you know, with my younger ones, when they get hurt, I have this pretty common way. You know, some of you may have heard the term suck it up buttercup. You know, just, just, you know, I, I'm one of those parents that come on, suck it up. You're fine, you're fine. I lead with that first to see are you really hurt, you really injured or did you just bump your wounds, your pride and just you know, skin your, I mean because part of this resource that we give to our children is we're instilling them a deep sense of knowing who they are and and how they face their world.

Brandon Miller: And part of that gift, part of that investment into them is to, to help them realize I have strengths, I. E. I have power, I am not in the place where I have to succumb to difficulty. I can overcome, I can move past. And even when the going gets tough, we can teach our kids that the tough get going, you know, for all. I'll give you all the trait statements today they're going to keep going because I think this resource really builds into them just how they can overcome and, and move past and see themselves come out on the other side, hopefully stronger if not, if not tougher.

Dr. Ryan Darby: Well, I liked that you said stronger cause that is the reality that once you have conquered a trial and come through and realize, you know what, I'm okay, I'm still standing. That gives you the confidence and the power to go to that next trial and be able to face a heads up, right. To be able to say, I can do this. I know because I've done it before. When we talk about resources, I just want to clarify for everyone listening, there's a number of different resources you give. So Brandon named one of them. There are internal resources that children need in order to overcome it. One of those internal resources that they really, really need is they have to know their strengths and they have to know their power. So when they know what their strengths are, they're able to look at a problem and say, what

Dr. Ryan Darby: What can I do to overcome this What am I good at How do I approach this and use their unique gifts Overcome that. Another internal internal resource that they can use is emotional intelligence. So teaching your kids to really embrace the emotions that they're feeling. But not to let a bad 10 minutes define the rest of their life or their whole day. My, my daughter and I had this discussion yesterday. She was, something happened, it was terrible, and I was like, is it a bad 10 minutes or is it a bad day So there's about 10 minutes while are you going to let that bad 10 minutes ruin your whole day No, it's only going to stop here. That's the type of internal resource. So they know their strengths and if they know how to deal with the emotions that they feel you're going to give them the confidence they're going to be able to get over. Now, there are some external ones that we want to give our kids to. And the first and foremost for everybody listening here is they need adults that they can trust to go to who will love them and support them when times are hard.

Brandon Miller: That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I think the fact that we want to be the first trusted source that our kids know and rely upon is a, I think it's implied in the parenting relationship, but I think it's worth repeating and being reminded of. Yep. You are the first line. You are the one that, especially as the agent of their teenage years, especially as they naturally start to assert their autonomy and want to express their independence, we want to be a resource. We want to be ones that they come and seek out and see us that way and at the same time we want to build around them. What we call on our team at 34 strong, a circle of safety. People that are trusted advisors, those coaches, those teachers, those aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas that really circle them with with just that security, safety and, and we're careful as parents that we want to, we want to make sure that we're writing that script of messages.

Brandon Miller: We want our children to have reinforced. We know the different voices will echo the message different ways. This is our job as a parent is we're paying attention to who is saying what to our child because ultimately we're the filter. As they get older. We, we've hopefully installed into them a powerful filter whereby they know, does that message match what I know and believe about myself Where is that message off Because I'm in this world of social media, Ryan kids are gonna hear all kinds of messages about who they're not and what they couldn't have done and the way they don't show up and how they're different. They want to be reinforcing because that really helps produce competence. It helps them feel that they can, they can really meet those challenges in life, head on and see themselves become, you know, very, you know, this resilient mindset, this gritty mindset. They can see themselves fulfilling commitments and being successful ultimately.

Dr. Ryan Darby: Yeah. You know, we talk about this stress and circle that one of the findings that they look with kids who are resilient kids who are able to endure all sorts of tragedies. one of the key findings is they have a large extended family that they feel they can go to when they have problems. So this trusted advisor and lots of research says they need you and they need a support group outside of you. But here's the thing about these circles of trust that your parents are or circles of support that your kids need is they need to be planted and built and nourished and established before the trials start. Yeah. Can't have a relationship where you're on your kid, you do this wrong, you do this wrong, you do this wrong and you're always finding fault and always seeing the weakness in them and then when something goes wrong in their life, expect them to come to you. Right You will not have the relationship built up to be ready to support your kid. They will not view you as that resource. And extended network is also echoing messages of here's what's wrong with you, here's why you're not good enough. Here's your weaknesses. They will not go to those extended networks. You need to build right now a circle of support that's based on, I think you're strong enough. I think you're great. I see the talent and potential in you and I'm going to nurture it with positivity now,

Brandon Miller: right Yeah. That involvement, your involvement in, I see you child, I see you. I see your brilliance and I see the best parts of you and I see it in the, in the ideal circumstances and we're going to talk about how it shows up in the non ideal, the less than ideal circumstances, more reinforced both because you're right Ryan, if we haven't built into our children, just a a capacity to trust those who are around them because we've managed the message, we've been careful to craft it. We recognize the power of words, we recognize the power of repeated messages for it said, and as much as I hate this statement, people don't believe the truth. They believe repeated messages, a fact we, we will buy into what is reinforced into us. So for as many times as you can instill in your child the greatness you see, the power that is within, that's what we're hoping to bring forth.

Brandon Miller: I don't know if Ryan, you ever heard this, but I have a parents that, well, can you go too far Can you be too positive And, and almost to the, to the point where you're not preparing them for the sad, negative realities. And I'd say you're probably not close for that edge unless you really forsake the negative 100% of us. We naturally lead with criticize a critical eye, not a generous side. So when we're counterbalancing the see them generously and positive and their strengths and their resilience, get a little ways to go before that in the right balance. Yeah.

Dr. Ryan Darby: and this, this is the, the take home that we want to drive home to everybody here today. If you haven't talked about with your kids about their strengths, you need to do it today. That's right. Do it. Do it not tomorrow, not when they're struggling. Do it today and then do it every day after that. They need to know what their power is. They need,

Brandon Miller: they need words. They need vocabulary. Yes. They need to have something they can anchor to. I am a, you know, my son Daniel and I last night were talking about he's an Energizer and he's just that kid that's just a go getter Energizer. I'm gonna conquer the world. And he was asking, dad, what do you see in me last night we were talking about strengths. What are you seeing me dad, what are my strengths What are, who am I And I mean that's the silver platter, right You asked my boy, you know, just just fill his heart and his mind with with, but you're this way, Daniel and you operate this. He's also just an amazing performer and he's sitting at the table. I'm just watching his countenance, just big smile. And I could tell that he's just getting that nice serotonin rush all over his body, just feeling good.

Brandon Miller: And he's just like, you know that little head shake of like, that's me. And every time you can deposit into that bank into your kids, you're building into their future self. You know what, what they can pull out when, when times are tough, when they're getting kicked, when they're, when they're struggling, when they're in the middle of a pandemic trying to figure out what to do next. Where do I go from here I have a daughter who is in the beauty industry, Ryan, and they're not essential and you know, she's, she's having to look at life through this filter of, okay, what do I do now Her and her husband just had their first child. And this is a reality. And what I have noted about my daughter is that I don't hear anxiety. I don't hear worry. I don't hear fear. What I'm hearing is, all right, what am I going to do next What's my solution What are my options Where can I push them And it just, I'm so appreciative at 27 that that is in her and she's operating that way.

Dr. Ryan Darby: Yep. But she didn't get it at 27. She didn't because she came to you at 27 years old. Dad, tell me about my strengths. She got it because at 10 years old, at the dinner table, you talked to her about her strengths. You talked, here's the power I see in you. Here's how you're going to overcome anything life throws at you. So message of the day, spread it loud and clear every single day. Talk to your kids about the positive things you see in them about your strength, their power. If you want your kids to be able to overcome anything, then they need to start with their strengths.

Brandon Miller: Let's tell them where they can find it. What do they doing

Dr. Ryan Darby: I'll put it down to the bottom. I think most people on our group, I've taken it, but if you haven't taken it yet, credible kids, movement.com backslash incredible kids. And then there's one prepared to, so this is, this is for the kids. I think I spelled right. incredible. Kids, movement.com incredible kids. Go ahead and share that with everybody. Make sure you, we talked about extended family and the power of extended family. If your extended family aren't using this to talk about your kids or you to talk about their kids, then you need to do this should be shared wildly. Right now. I'll tell you for another about three days, it's free. So take it now while it's free and just a couple of days it goes to the paid version and then, then they'll have to pay money for it. So spread it, spread it wild. Let's help build strong kids, incredible kids, movement.com incredible kids. Brandon, it looks like we're about to make some cookies for a service project, so I love it. Alright, well thank you. as usual Austintown with you.

Brandon miller: Okay. You too, Ryan.