I have a confession to make.
I'm a little embarrassed about it and more than a little guilty.
My family has a problem with gratitude.
I didn't realize the problem was as bad as it was until recently. Every month, my mom has been mailing my kids these amazing boxes with projects and crafts in them. My kids love them. Spend hours playing with each one.
Every day, they race to the mailbox to see if a package has arrived. When they don’t get one, they are crushed and they get one it’s like Christmas, Tooth Fairy, and Fourth of July all in one. So much excitement and joy.
The other day my mom asked me if my kids were getting her packages. My kids hadn’t mentioned them in a while. Not a word. No thank you. No pictures. Nada.
My heart hurts a little saying this. My mom has sent these amazing gifts in hopes of connecting with my children. And my kids just took it for granted.
My wife was great about sending pictures and getting kids to call and say thank you in the beginning. But then, well, we just kind of got used to it.
We stopped being grateful.
Entitlement is Rampant in Kids Today
I know my family isn’t alone in this attitude. Ingratitude is a plague that is affecting all of us.
Professor June Twenge has made a career of studying today’s youth and comparing them to previous generations. Her groundbreaking research shows that narcissism in today’s youth is at all-time highs, nearly 3 times that of previous generations.
It’s no wonder children are struggling with gratitude. If the whole world is about me and making me happy, then why do I need to say thank you? People are just doing what they are supposed to be doing when they do nice things for me. They should even thank me for allowing them to serve me.
Where Did My Kids Learn Ingratitude?
When I realized how ungrateful my kids were acting, my initial reaction was to be angry at them. I teach them about gratitude all the time. We talk about how important it is to say thank you and express gratitude. We have family lessons about gratitude and why it’s so important. We even have the coolest thanksgiving gratitude tree you have ever seen. Clearly, I have done my part.
So why aren’t my kids more grateful?
Because while I was lecturing them on gratitude, my actions taught them ingratitude.
Where Did My Kids Learn Ingratitude?
When I realized how ungrateful my kids were acting, my initial reaction was to be angry at them. I teach them about gratitude all the time. We talk about how important it is to say thank you and express gratitude. We have family lessons about gratitude and why it’s so important. We even have the coolest thanksgiving gratitude tree you have ever seen. Clearly, I have done my part.
So why aren’t my kids more grateful?
Because while I was lecturing them on gratitude, my actions taught them ingratitude.
They Learned Ingratitude From Me
It’s not that I intentionally taught them to be ungrateful. I did the exact opposite. The problem is that I forgot how children learn.
I was trying to teach them through lecturing...but my example was a much more effective teacher.
They Will Do As You Do, Not As You Say
The three primary learning methods of young children are experience, modeling, and language.
Experience comes first in development. It’s how tiny babies learn to suckle, crawl, walk, and interact with the world. They try something out and if it works, then they do it again. Trial and error, pleasure and pain teach them how to act, feel, and think.
Experience = I am learning by myself.
Modeling comes next and early. Newborns may even learn through modeling. Modeling is learning by watching the world and the people in the world. Watching what they do and then trying to follow their example. Baby see, baby do. This is how babies learn to talk, eat with a spoon, and play with toys. Watching their parents teaches them another lesson in how to act, feel, and think.
Modeling = I learn by watching you.
The last learning method to develop is language. Language gives children a new way to understand complex ideas about the world and their place in the world. They can now learn simply by talking and listening. Stories, conversations, praise, and reprimands teach the children their final lessons on how to act, feel, and think.
Language = I learn by listening to you.
Which of these methods is most effective?
Nothing is more effective than experience. A child has to only touch a hot stove once before they never touch the stove again.
Next to experience, modeling after the people around is the next best teacher. A child will be cautious if they see you burned by a hot stove.
If there is no experience and no example to follow, then what was told becomes important. A child will have to be told many, many times not to touch a hot stove before they start to internalize it.
(Notice that the effectiveness of these learning methods exactly matches their developmental order. What comes first is most important. What comes last is least.)
Unfortunately, while telling your important lessons is the least effective, it is the tool that parents try to use the most. And it almost always fails. Because while we are telling them really good things with our mouths, our actions are teaching them something else.
We try and try to teach our kids to “do as I say and not as I do” and it does not work. The behaviors we model will always teach our children better than the lectures we give.
What Was I Actually Teaching My Children?
While I have repeatedly told them gratitude is important, I have repeatedly shown them that it is not. I am a polite person who says thank you when the server brings the food or the cashier rings me up. But unless the person right in front of me, I mostly forget to express my thanks.
My thank you’s for gifts and acts of service are probably more lacking and pithy than sincere and warm.
If I’m honest, if I were a leper, I’d probably be in the nine.
At the end of the day, before I ask why my kids didn’t thank my mom...I should be asking why I didn’t thank my mom.
My kids watched what I did...and they did the exact same thing.
I have a confession to make.
I'm a little embarrassed about it and more than a little guilty.
My family has a problem with gratitude.
And that problem is me.
